VOICES IN MY HEAD ...

The loss of a relationship can be incredibly hard - you can feel so much pain. There's not only the grief from losing someone important in your life, but the pain of seeing your hopes and dreams of a future life together disappear as well. Sometimes this is the hardest part - having to totally readjust your view of how you saw your life unfolding in the next 5 to10 years. Suddenly, you can't see into the future and it's scary.

Many times we are so pre-occupied in our one sided love that we miss the small signs of a breakup, even though it's right under our nose. Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. Your mood can swing from depression to bitter anger. The only thing you seem to think about is what went wrong, can I get him/her back or I’ll show him/her. The main theme in your life is ‘How can I feel better right NOW?

The First 7 days
The first week after a breakup can be torture, emotionally. There are so many unanswered questions, and the initial rejection is hard to accept or understand. After all, you're fabulous. Why doesn't he see it too? Breakups make us feel vulnerable and insecure, a natural result of someone telling you they want distance or complete separation from you.

A Whirlwind of Emotions
During the first few weeks, you're likely to experience a rush of emotions, ranging from sadness, shock, anger, and desperation. Heartache arrives with so many unanswered questions. Where did we go wrong? Is there someone else? Did I say or do the wrong things? These questions are normal, particularly in the first week of the separation, when all you want to do is call, text, or communicate with him. But what's the point in getting the answers to any of those questions? It won't change anything if he's already made a decision, and it only draws out your heartache longer. Sometimes there are no answers, and the fastest way to move on after your heart has been injured is to get off the couch or out of the bed and move on. It's essential to stay in motion!

Moving On
We've all experienced the pain of heartache, and in the days that follow it feels as if you're the only one who has ever felt this way. The isolation after a breakup pushes us even farther into a depressing situation, because often we find ourselves withdrawing from others. It's natural to want to, but that's not the right approach to take for healing.

You may find yourself questioning who you can trust, including your own judgment since you may not have expected the break-up. You may wonder if you were wrong to have trusted your partner. You may begin to question how real your relationship was because if it was real how could it be over? Your ability to trust may feel shaky. You probably trusted your partner, and expected your relationship to last. You may feel alone and abandoned, even if you're the one who decided to leave.

While it takes time, you can re-build trust in yourself and others again. Even though this relationship is over that doesn't mean that you were wrong to trust her/him, and even if you were that doesn't mean that you'll make that mistake again. You can learn from this.

I've learned so much about love, but never the answer to it. Like most people, I've experienced great bliss, and I have also had my heart wounded in battle. I've learned that there are so many different kinds of love, and one of the best ways to recover after a breakup is to understand that, because then you can re-define what you really had.

You may experience an identity crisis, not knowing who you are any more without your partner. Not necessarily because you didn't have your own identity while in the relationship, but that your relationship had become part of that identity.

Without a doubt, the kind of relationship we get wounded by most often is the Romeo and Juliet kind of love. That feels like the kind of love you'd die for. Often it's tumultuous, passionate, and ignites quickly. It's open, exposed, like a forest fire threatening to extinguish the life of every living thing in the forest. But is that really real? Or do we get wounded because it's a fantasy of love that we'll never really attain, a vision of the perfect mate, relationship, and future that we create in our minds?

Shifting Your Focus
Psychologists have a therapy procedure where they help patients redefine the meaning of a negative event or trauma. After a breakup, applying this would mean to redefine how you once saw your relationship and be open to the fact that it may not have been as great as you had made it to be. And the fact is, even if it was a legitimate and long term relationship, it's over, and accepting that is the first step to moving on. Redefine yourself as me, instead of we. Appreciate what you had, because of the growth involved and the way it will change you, and move on.

Break-ups can hurt immensely and shake us to our very core. They can throw us right back to the feelings we had in our first relationships - the ones we had with our parents. If as a child, your relationship with your parents were loving and supportive, you may find yourself wanting to be with them, even wanting to be a child again when it felt safer and easier. If your relationship with your parents was difficult, lacking, or abusive you may feel some of the feelings that you felt with them (even if you weren't aware of them as a child.)

At times of loss, it is very common for feelings, beliefs and memories from past hurts, traumas, and losses to come up. Not only are you dealing with the present loss, but your past losses as well. No wonder, it hurts so much!

Stages of Grief
You will get through this, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Grief moves in stages - it has a beginning, middle, and an end phase. It might help to know where you are in the process.

In the beginning, you may feel in shock, denial, or numb. It may be hard for you to believe what has happened. It may be hard to make sense of it all. You may find yourself expecting to come home to your partner or for her/him to call at a regular time only to discover that's not the case any longer. It may take awhile for you to fully comprehend that the relationship is over. You may try to get back together even when you know it's over.

You may go over and over in your mind and with everyone you talk to what you think led to the break up or what might have made a difference and resulted in a different outcome. This is the “if only” stage - “if only I had...or, if only I hadn't...” we might still be together. If you are doing this, you are likely trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand and take it in, and trying to change it too. It's hard to take in that a break up is permanent. You'll need time to fully absorb this reality.

The Second Stage of Grief
The second stage involves feeling fear, anger and depression. This stage often lasts the longest and can be filled with feelings of insecurity, panic, worry, crying, anger, and feelings of depression. Some people don't allow themselves to feel, while others have trouble letting go of how they are feeling. Both are essential - feeling and eventually letting go.

Some people worry that if they let themselves feel that they'll be overcome with emotion and never come out of it - they'll drown in their feelings and not be able to function. Others feel their feelings but can't seem to let go of them even after a lot of time has passed. Either way, it's important to give yourself permission to feel and at some point to let go so that you can move on.

In the beginning, you may think that you will always feel this way, but you won't. Your feelings will pass. You'll discover that the time between down periods increases. Too often with break-ups we don't feel that we have the right to feel upset much longer than a few weeks when the truth is it usually takes longer. I have found that grief tends to run a cycle of at least one year unless of course the relationship wasn't very important, was short-term, or you were grieving before you actually left her/him.

The Third Stage of Grief
This is the stage where you begin to accept that the relationship is over, and that you're going to be okay. You realize that you haven't thought about your ex-partner in awhile, and that without realizing it you are moving on. You've gained back some of your zest for life, and are beginning to see a future ahead of you.
Sometimes the process involves a little movement forward and a little back. This is okay and perfectly normal, after all you need to get used to your forward steps and occasionally may need the comfort of what you were feeling before. Try not to be hard on yourself, change is not a linear path. It's full of up's and down's. It's okay to feel good and then feel hurt and angry again, especially if you see her/him in the community or dating someone else.

In the acceptance stage, you've done a lot of thinking about the relationship and the break-up and you realize things that you hadn't before. You understand yourself better, and you aren't as angry or hurt. You find yourself laughing more, and feeling hopeful. You begin to notice that you're feeling better and that you are ready to trust again, or at least to try. Try not to lose faith if you fall back into a funk - each time that you feel better will have an accumulative effect. Grief comes in waves - up and down.

Sometimes letting go just happens after you've let yourself grieve and rage and whatever else you need to do. Other times, people have to deliberately and consciously focus on letting go. It is tempting to hold on, and scary to let go. Saying to yourself that you are letting go of your ex-partner can be helpful. Interrupting yourself when you get stuck thinking or talking about her/him and redirecting your focus onto something else is all part of letting go.

5 steps to Happiness after a Breakup

Step 1: Let go. Look back, cry your eyes out, digest it all, but allow yourself only ten days for this process. After that realize that it's not healthy to keep hanging on to destructive or painful thoughts. See a counselor if you need help, but let go.

Step 2: Change your scenery! Take a trip, or just buy something new. This may sound simple or frivolous, but buying something new for your apartment, home, or closet, helps distract you from the pain. Sometimes we have to make external changes to feel internal ones.

Step 3: Focus on the future. Make a list of goals, and positive changes you'd like to make in your life. Make goals in all four categories: emotional, financial, spiritual, and intellectual, and commit to stretching yourself in these areas of your life!

Step 4: Eliminate. Remove all memories of the past, and while you're at it, purge anything else that brings you pain. Delete old emails, toss old momentos, or gifts. Surround yourself with newness to remind you of renewal.

Step 5: Use prayer and positive affirmations to heal and transform! Write a positive quote on your bathroom mirror at the beginning of each week to remind you what to focus on. Often the first thing your mind focuses on when you wake up is your emotions, so it's not uncommon to wake up feeling sad after a breakup. When you go to brush your teeth, you'll be reminded to re-program your mind with a positive goal, which will change your day! Take one day at a time, and it won't be long, until you'll find love again.

Breaking-up can feel unbearably hard and so permanent. Let yourself know that you won't always feel this way and in the meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.